Tuesday, April 17, 2007

A Good Flush Beats a Full House

The shut-off valve works like it's supposed to, and bailing and sponging out the leftover water in the tank and bowl is easy enough. So far, so good. Time to remove the toilet.

Okay, come on... goddamit, come on... (grunt, grunt)... Oh, son of a fucking bitch... How the hell can one bolt come loose but not both? Dammit, come on... stupid little...(grunt, grunt)...son of a...(grunt, grunt).

This isn't working. Poop and eggs... And this damned bathroom is so small that it feels like I'm twins.

Radio discussing mass murder at least keeps my own little hades in perspective, although at times I can't even hear it over my grunting and cussing... Come on God, this isn't funny... (grunt, grunt)... Okay, there must be some other way. My hands hurt and I'm getting tired. Stupid friggin' toilet. Here's the real pisser: this should have been the easy part.

I take a break and check my blog and email. Two more good poems from Shaman and a message from the Judge saying the Québécois have hi-jacked my blog and all he can get is a log-in in French. And then the solution comes to me: the hack-saw... And the Judge comes back with the message that it's gremlins at his end and it ain't the Québécois after all. So the final score at the end of the break is: Two poems from Shaman, and two problems solved. Thank heavens for the computer, I think, laughing sardonically.

A few minutes and some elbow grease later the damned toilet is sitting in the upstairs hallway, and I'm off to get some carpentry tools. With any luck, I'll have a nice maple floor down here by mid-afternoon.



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I return and notice how rusty the metal floor flange is. (That's the thing that holds the drain pipe in place and anchors the toilet to the floor). The screw heads are rotted to the point of looking like old nails, and I can't turn them with a screwdriver. Shit on a fucking shingle.


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To shorten this tale a bit, after a lot more cussing and grunting, I completely demolish the damned thing (except for the plastic part that seems to be glued to the pipe). What in hell will I ask for at the local plumbing supply?? Half of a floor flange? I take a photo of the situation.

Even though it's lunch-time and I wash my hands, I can't bear to touch anything that is headed for my mouth. I try to remember if I've ever seen a plumber bite his nails...

There's been a problem with my plan since the beginning, and I know it, and I've been trying to ignore it, but I can't: there is no blessed way I'm going to be able to lengthen that drain pipe the extra 3/4 inch that the thickness of the new floor will demand. The right way to do this job is to tear out the particle board floor under the old vinyl, and then lay the maple directly on the plywood sub-floor. The problem is that the particle board runs under the walls and the built-in sink... I'm staring at Saws-all Hell, a fact quite well proven an hour later.

Hours after the first grunt and curse, the bathroom is down to plywood sub-floor, the wrecking tools have been put away, and things are looking mighty fine. Tomorrow I will take my photos of the problem to town and see if a solution can be purchased - or if I'll have to do some major plumbing work.
.

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There's no royal flush in the cards tonight, but at least I don't have a full house, and luckily we do have another indoor bathroom. Life is good.

17 comments:

Becca said...

Hahahaha...laughing my head off. I'm so glad I wasn't in the house with you 'cause I would have hurt myself when I fell down laughing...

Robin said...

You and all of your talents amaze me. By the by, it looks like there should be pictures in this post but all I get are blue question marks. Huh.

whimsical brainpan said...

You go girl!

Wow! I know you must have been frustrated Wizard because I think that this is the first time I've ever heard you swear on your blog.

I hope the rest of the work goes smoothly and that there is an easy fix for the toilet.

Sling said...

If I understand the problem;
You could place the toilet in position,outline the base with pencil,and wood chisel out the particle board down to the sub floor in that area..

Judy said...

Becca - You'd have LAUGHED??? How'd you like to be hit over the head with a wrecking bar? (Just kidding. Me and building projects are usually pretty funny.)

Robin - Yes, there are pictures. I did spare you all the close-up of the open drain... My preference in home ownershit is carpentry, but I can do plumbing and masonry.

Whim - Your comment - as always - is observant and on the money... I have been maintaining the "image" of the wizened, wise one, but this time my dark (and some would smile and say real) side slipped out.

Ah, Sling, yes, good idea! (But too late now). That would have worked...except, have you ever tried to chisel particle board? In places where I couldn't fit the saws-all, I drilled lines of holes and then broke/pried the particle board along them.

darkfoam said...

Aha, I knew you were a multifaceted wizened wizard. And of course multifaceted wizened wizards have the ability to curse like a pro.
you are a brave one, wizard. i'll tackle walls, pull up carpet. undo toiletts? lay down wood floors? nah, I leave that to those in the know.

Becca said...

I know, I know. Something about my complete ineptitude with DIY projects...

Craig D said...

Egads! Another bathroom project here in bloggerville.

We just gave the contractor the deposit for the tub surround project. Yeah, yeah. I'm no Wizard... I'm paying someone else to do it!

Now, let's see that new floor!


...POOP AND EGGS?!?!?!?!?

Robin said...

'My preference in home ownershit....' LOLOLOLOLOl!
Talk about a Freudian slip....

Em said...

Is there anything you can't do?!?! Geez...I remember to flush. That is the extent of my plumbing skills. I'm so impressed. And yes, I too noticed the rare use of swearing. I knew you were truly letting us know just how hard this was! LOL

Unknown said...

Oh my what a project and my total admiration goes to you! At least you have a real toilet to flush...we are still a bit primitive on that end, so to speak. Almost impossible to put in a septic system here on a mountain of solid granite so I am still waiting to have our composting toilet installed in the yurt. In the meantime...
Carmon

Anonymous said...

Wow- you're a braver woman than I- that's for sure!
Any woman who can sucessfully wield power tools has my respect!

Judy said...

Foam - Multifaceted? Does that mean I'm a block-head? : ) I think I must be.

Craig - OMG! You mean there are people you can pay to do this stuff?!?!

Em - I will go back to being a more serene wizard soon (I hope). Elizabeth Gnome is terribly upset with me!

Ah, Carmon, we of the horses and the life off the beaten path know all about doing without conventional plumbing. We could undoubtedly have some great laughs comparing "honey pot" stories! As for composting toilets, I'll bet there are more than a few readers out there who don't even know what they are! And I have an especially funny story about my husband procuring a 50 gallon drum for a privy that was specially designed to turn you-know-what into something you could spread on your flowers.

L.P. - I wield 'em, but I'm not so sure I do it successfully!

Okay, break-time is over. Back to the bathroom...

Anonymous said...

You are amazing!
As I write this I wonder, if the bathroom humor should stop..ah, what the heck...a poem in honor of all the hard work you do:

There once was a wizard
from New York
who tried to fix her toilet
she made a big mess and left a big hole
so now she is taking a wiz
in the forest

Joshua said...

Oh I know how much fun you are having, well had by now. A few months a go I installed a new floor in our house.

Judy said...

Wow, Chucky!!! (Hey, folks, check out what this guy did - click on the link in the above comment). This wizard could take some lessons from you.

Beautiful floor and a superb installation job. I'm really impressed by the curved cuts so perfectly done. I can also relate to the demolition... no fun at all...

Great floor!

Joshua said...

Thank you Wiz!

The only problem is that I work slow. I think it took about a month from start to what you see there.

But I was also working about 50 hours at work at the time too.

That first curved cut took about 30 min. to get right.