Wednesday, April 04, 2007

And Things That Go Bump in the Night...

My basement is a bit funky. There’s the usual cellar stuff: bags of potatoes; shelves of canned tomatoes, jam and such; two freezers; woodworking tools, extra plumbing and electrical supplies; an old mini-port-a-potty; a retired foozball game; the water pump; clay pots and potting soil; a washer and dryer and – this time of year – about six inches of water in the low end that was created by pouring a level concrete floor across the cellar's higher parts.

I don’t give the water situation down there much thought. Usually I pump it out, but if ignored, eventually the water seeps back through the cracks in the bedrock from whence it came, and things dry up. This is an owner-built-home, and we owners are pretty tolerant of its idiosyncrasies.

Last week I went down there to fetch a few potatoes for supper and was startled by the kerploosh of some fairly sizable critter doing a running swan dive into the deep end. "Holy shit. What the hell was that?!?" I wondered aloud. The red squirrel that’s been coming to the bird feeders crossed my mind, but as much as I scanned the water for waves or movement, nothing further happened. There is a sort of platform above much of this low area, and the mystery diver must have quickly found a good hiding place (or maybe - I hoped - an exit), so I took my potatoes upstairs and started dinner.

For the next several days, whenever I needed something from the depths of the cellar, I would quietly sneak down the stairs, hoping to get a glimpse of the invading creature, but no sightings rewarded my stealth. The furry Greg Louganis had apparently moved on, and I forgot about him.

Last night, tired and hoping for a good night’s sleep, I worked a crossword puzzle until my eyelids drooped, and then turned out the light. At that moment, all was peaceful and quiet.

Some little time later, I was startled wide-awake: there was an animal – a fairly large, gray animal – walking along the edge of my mattress!

Now you who read here often know that I like animals; I respect animals, but I don’t fear them. Even so, let me tell you that the unexpected presence of a critter about the size of a small beagle strolling along the edge of your mattress in the middle of the night is a pretty unsettling sight!

I grabbed the sheet with both hands, creating a sort of barrier between the critter and my bare hide. “Omigod!! Bob!! Turn on the light!! There’s an animal in the bed!!” I screamed.

Bob (never at his best upon awakening) eventually noted that something was amiss and mumbled, “Can’t you turn the lamp on?” to which I answered with the obvious – and high volume - reply: “I’ve got both hands on the goddam sheet!!!” Finally he managed to turn on a flashlight and then eventually an electric light, but by then there was nothing four-legged in sight. It was as gone as last week’s diver.

I reiterated that there WAS an animal “right there on the mattress beside me!" to which Bob asked (with a measure of concern appropriate to such a dire situation), “What kind of animal was it?” and I say (still a bit wide-eyed), “An armadillo!... then realizing how nuts this sounds, “...or something that LOOKED LIKE an armadillo. My husband, reasonable to a fault, asks, “You saw it in the dark?”

“Uh, hmmm, uh, gee, I don’t know... uh... good point...” and suddenly it dawned on me that I must have dreamed the whole thing. Nevertheless, remembering the basement diver, we did a thorough search under the bed, finding nothing.

Eventually the whole episode began to strike us very funny and soon we were laughing hysterically. It took another crossword puzzle and at least an hour before I was sleepy again.

All this "wholesome living" sometimes gets under your skin, I guess, but this is the life we chose...

Say goodnight, Gracie.


Scottish Prayer (traditional)

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
.
.

17 comments:

Em said...

Oh Wizard, quite the dream there! Good thing it was a dream as Bob was a tad slow on the responding! LOL

Truthfully, after you heard the splash the first time around, I thought you were nuts when you would sneak down again. AGAIN?!?! Heck no, I'm staying upstairs till the cellar is dry! :)

Anonymous said...

Somehow this reminds me of the Jerry Clower story of Marcel Ledbetter, the coon hunter, who found himself up in a tree with a cornered (and angry) lynx; realizing the gravity of the situation, he hollered down to his hunting buddies, "Shoot up here amongst us; one of us has gotta have some relief!!!"

This is one of those situations where I'm just as glad I chose to be an urban pioneer. The Johns (Prine & Denver) wrote good songs about "Livin' In The Country" (no, that one was by Pete Seeger, but anyway . . .) but don't forget, one of them was an Air Force brat and the other grew up in the city.

Good night, Wiz.

Joshua said...

yeah that would freak me out. There are just some things that I don't want to see at night.

Things on my bed is one of them.

Robin said...

I'm still not convinced it was a dream...and has the judge (urban pioneer) heard of the coyote that strolled into the Quizno's in the Loop here in Chicago and plopped himself down in the soda refrigerator?

He's happily in a forest preserve tonight.

Cool story, Wiz.

DirkStar said...

I had that happen with a squirrel!

Scared the bejebus outta me.

Becca said...

A cat? Raccoon? Nutria? I love it when you realized it was just a dream!

Unknown said...

Great story...I had a skunk get in my utility room through the dog door in Texas one time. There's nothing like skunk at ground zero where all your dirty laundry lives! Carmon

Kati said...

*shivers* What a trippy dream!!!! Actually more trippy because it's something that COULD happen, than if it had been truly off the wall.

I hope you find the basement diver so you can have some peace of mind over it.

whimsical brainpan said...

LOL! Boy your mind really got you there Wizard.

And I'm with Em, I wouldn't be going down there trying to find the critter.

darkfoam said...

i'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that a SIZABLE creature was able to disappear into the DEEP end of your underground pool...

...and guess what, wizard, what if you weren't dreaming?

Sling said...

This one's easy...
No need to fear gentle wizard,it is the wiley and nocturnal "Horned Lizzarus"
Known to inhabit the moist recesses of lowly,and inadequately leveled cellars,it is generally considered a harbinger of good fortune,..unless you piss it off! :O

Linda@VS said...

Too funny! I'm with your other commenters, though--wouldn't sleep a wink until I knew the whereabouts of the basement pool diver.

Anonymous said...

Dear fearless wizard.
I think you need to borrow a dog or a cat to determine if there is a creature sharing your home with you. My credo is all of God's creatures are wonderful but if they enter my domain they are fair game! Especially spiders!!

zach said...

Cool. I think i would be excited if i found a animal in my bed at night.
Funny story!

whimsical brainpan said...

Happy Easter!

Pepper said...

That would definitely scare the bejesus out of me. What is interesting is, it is still lurking somewhere in your house. Keep your camera handy in case.

Kati said...

Happy Easter Wiz!!!